I hope you are all well. I must say my prior crisis was adverted before beginning this post - I dropped the classes and with that has led to a much less-productive summer, but it was one that was needed in order to see what I was ignoring within myself.
Have you ever found that no matter what happens, time seems to have a plan and change things for you? I'm not going to lie, I still feel a bit lost, but there are clarities that I didn't see before, which I am completely grateful. I feel like my mind is filled to the brim with things and questions and feelings; no matter what I seem to do, I never feel completely fulfilled nor satisfied by the end of the day. Probably due to my own scatterbrained nature and ambitiousness, which happens to conflict with one another. I feel so overwhelmed at times and I desire to do so much, but I just sit in bed and do other things.
Like my biggest thing right now is: Happiness. How do I harness my own and create it, along with getting rid of negative energy in my own life. There are many times in my day where I feel like crying, but I hold it in and tell everyone 'nothing' is the matter, and they tend to be satisfied with that answer. There isn't enough time in the day to tell someone everything that's happening in my own head and that's whats truly bothering me. Life is getting more complicated and more complex and I'm absolutely stressed about it all. Especially with the fact that my own 'home' doesn't feel like it anymore. I feel homeless, and I can't wait to get back to the life that I built for myself.
But then, who the hell am I? Where do I fit in this world? Why am I here? Am I just an accident or is there an actual purpose? The more time I spend at 'home' I feel more anxious, angry, depressed, upset. I don't fit here anymore and I really don't want to. Most of the people that have stuck around aren't going anywhere fast, which is fine. I made it out, I broke out of the shell, and the whole damn state and side of this country for that matter. No matter what I do here, I can't seem to get out all of those negative feelings from people, memories, and whatever happened in the past. It breaks my parents heart that I'm ready to go back to school and get out of here, but four months is far too long to be suffocated and reminded of who you used to be instead of embracing who you are right now.
Let me know if you have ever felt this way in the comments below! I'm off to Vegas with a lot of good books and a fun time planned :)
Xx,
Marisa
