Honesty

To me, honesty is a pretty funny thing. We all crave to hear it, but once it's heard, people can either accept it, or they could deny it. This is my current issue, the honest version.

I bit off more than I could chew. I told my parents, and like usual, they chose to deny it. Once I told them I was depressed, and they said 'no you're not' instead of helping. Yes, this a stereotypical complaint via the internet. But it's the truth and how I saw it - which no one can take away from me or feel the need to validate it. Now, it's summer, and I understand that I chose to take three summer classes (one of which is finished) and now two remain, and are stressing me out in it's third week. I thought about it the past week, last night, and this morning, and my gut feeling is telling me to drop it so I can enjoy my life. There's more going on inside of me that I really need to figure out and has been clouded up for some time. So, to me, the logical solution is to drop the classes and focus on something more important: myself. Yes, it's selfish, Yes, I will be behind, Yes, I am wasting money that my parents spent on these classes. But there's something more important going on and I can't really explain it behind the tears.

Last year and summer was amazing. Why? I was comfortable in my own skin and I had a true realization of who I am. And I haven't felt that way since. Truly. I feel clouded, dazed and extremely confused. I feel fake and it's gotten worse since I've been home. I adore being home at times, but when it's a long period of time like the Summer, it's strange. The only 'home' experience for the summer that I have gone through was travelling for most of it - and then sneaking drinks of my own when my family was around. I love them all, but there are times when I truly feel like I need to be alone to figure myself out.

An example of attempting to express myself is redoing my room. I've had the same room for years, and now I want to redo it - go more minimalist. Yes, my parents are helping, which I am extremely grateful for. But, there are moments when I say there are certain design elements I want and my mother shoots them down. Why? I don't know. I can't help but feel repressed because of it.

My dad just confronted me about the classes I was taking and I couldn't truly express how I was feeling due to fear that he wouldn't take my honesty seriously. I've just learned that I can't really focus on doing multiple things at once. I want to get healthy and do summer classes? I can't. It's just a 'me' thing. Have you ever felt overwhelmed? I did all the time in High School, but now that I'm two years out, I don't want to feel that way ever again. It was awful. I didn't pass any AP history and barely passed an AP science, why should I take it at a college level? I'd rather take it during the school year or through my school where academics are considered a bit of a joke - which is perfect for me. I can't do college level academics. That's what I should've thought of and should've known. Now, I'm stuck in a situation where it's my happiness v. my parents.

I just need to get away.

Thank you for listening xx

Marisa Taylor

Traditional first post

Hello everyone who is reading this! :)

This is something quite interesting to me because I've wanted to blog for awhile. I've been attempting to keep journals, but now that I'm back in California, it's been harder to keep one without the hopes of a parent or sibling stumbling upon it. Plus, I have been on my computer a lot more here at home than at school - where I was connected to many human beings all at the same time. At this current moment, I'm feeling a bit lost. I'm listening to some Yoga Nidra piano music on Spotify (which I highly suggest listening to, it's really bringing my body into a wonderful lax state before sleeping), and I can't help but lie in bed and feel conflicted. Looking back on life, it's something so precious and something I am so grateful for - but now, as I am about to enter my twenties, I'm thinking: 'What can I do better? What have I learned? Is there something I want to improve on?' But, before I start working on any of those, I feel like I need to answer the biggest question I have been struggling with: "Who am I?"

As I sat in the shower this evening after shaving (a bit TMI but it's alright, we're all safe here) I laid my head down, letting the warm water run from my wet hair down my back and thought a lot about myself. Last year, I was completely sure of who I was and felt comfortable in my own skin. In other words: I was blissfully content. Now, I feel like I may have relapsed. I am full of clutter and confusion and it's something I've been struggling with since that wonderful summer came to a close and I was off on another great adventure. This past year was grand, but there are always hills and valleys in the walk of life. But, in order to be happy with life, you need to be happy with yourself - and from hereon out, that's what I am pledging to do.

There are many questions as I set out on this quest, one of which is my body image. Reading this buzzfeed article really made me question why I was doing what I am doing right now, which is dieting. Am I dieting to lose weight because I'm unhappy with the way my body looks and fits into clothes? Or am I on a journey to feel better about myself and , in doing that, am not fully living life to my extent? I've been on this diet for a month now, and I have lost some weight - but my head is focused on numbers, and not feeling great about my own body. I'm more focused on what people are thinking of me instead. Which, isn't correct. Don't you think? In the article mentioned above, all of the women may not be content with the way their body is, but they embrace it in those bathing suits that are modeled on models who are the poster children of unrealism. We all want to be those models, but in turn that makes us hate the body that we were born with and have to live with every day.

So today I treated myself to sweet potato fries and three chocolate chip cookies - and an ice cream sandwich. I am 100% okay with this decision. I'm happy, I got to indulge a bit (due to a natural sweet tooth I have inhibited from my father) and now I am trying to revamp my life and see what I want to do with it next. There are plenty of ideas floating around my brain, but for now, I am going to focus on me - my desires, wants, needs, health, relationships, and most importantly, my own happiness. I want to smile, laugh and not pretend like I am being forced to do such things. My life itself is atypical, and I don't have the desire to fall into a cookie-cut pattern (i.e. dating, engagement, solid job, marriage, house, kids, etc.) I want something more from life. Just like Pippin, I yearn to be living extraordinarily.

Perhaps that entails a trip on my own somewhere in the grand state of California. Or a cruise down to Mexico for a few days. It's something I'm going to be looking into for sure.

Until Next time xx

Marisa Taylor