Honesty

To me, honesty is a pretty funny thing. We all crave to hear it, but once it's heard, people can either accept it, or they could deny it. This is my current issue, the honest version.

I bit off more than I could chew. I told my parents, and like usual, they chose to deny it. Once I told them I was depressed, and they said 'no you're not' instead of helping. Yes, this a stereotypical complaint via the internet. But it's the truth and how I saw it - which no one can take away from me or feel the need to validate it. Now, it's summer, and I understand that I chose to take three summer classes (one of which is finished) and now two remain, and are stressing me out in it's third week. I thought about it the past week, last night, and this morning, and my gut feeling is telling me to drop it so I can enjoy my life. There's more going on inside of me that I really need to figure out and has been clouded up for some time. So, to me, the logical solution is to drop the classes and focus on something more important: myself. Yes, it's selfish, Yes, I will be behind, Yes, I am wasting money that my parents spent on these classes. But there's something more important going on and I can't really explain it behind the tears.

Last year and summer was amazing. Why? I was comfortable in my own skin and I had a true realization of who I am. And I haven't felt that way since. Truly. I feel clouded, dazed and extremely confused. I feel fake and it's gotten worse since I've been home. I adore being home at times, but when it's a long period of time like the Summer, it's strange. The only 'home' experience for the summer that I have gone through was travelling for most of it - and then sneaking drinks of my own when my family was around. I love them all, but there are times when I truly feel like I need to be alone to figure myself out.

An example of attempting to express myself is redoing my room. I've had the same room for years, and now I want to redo it - go more minimalist. Yes, my parents are helping, which I am extremely grateful for. But, there are moments when I say there are certain design elements I want and my mother shoots them down. Why? I don't know. I can't help but feel repressed because of it.

My dad just confronted me about the classes I was taking and I couldn't truly express how I was feeling due to fear that he wouldn't take my honesty seriously. I've just learned that I can't really focus on doing multiple things at once. I want to get healthy and do summer classes? I can't. It's just a 'me' thing. Have you ever felt overwhelmed? I did all the time in High School, but now that I'm two years out, I don't want to feel that way ever again. It was awful. I didn't pass any AP history and barely passed an AP science, why should I take it at a college level? I'd rather take it during the school year or through my school where academics are considered a bit of a joke - which is perfect for me. I can't do college level academics. That's what I should've thought of and should've known. Now, I'm stuck in a situation where it's my happiness v. my parents.

I just need to get away.

Thank you for listening xx

Marisa Taylor